8 Ways to Help Sex Drive
In the book “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagaoski, she discusses ‘sexual accelerators’ and ‘sexual brakes.’ The key is not necessarily to put pressure on the accelerator, but to release the pressure on the brakes.
Accelerators are sex-coded information in the environment that sends a turn on signal to your brain. Brakes are all messages sent to your brain on why you should NOT be turned on right now. Common brakes include: stress, anxiety, loneliness, distracting noises, body shame, history of trauma, anger, your to-do list, risk of pregnancy, lack of safety, performance anxiety, and relationship struggles. Some other factors causing this decrease in such desire may include: stress, anxiety, hormonal influences, medications, our menstrual cycle, diet, and pain. Here are 8 things you can do to increase your sex drive:
Exercise. Exercise is a natural way to emit endorphins in our bodies, aka the hormones that make us feel happy. Exercise can also help increase testosterone which is a helpful hormone for sexual desire. The reason men typically have a higher sex drive is because they typically have higher levels of testosterone in their bodies. Try to increase your daily exercise with a mix of 30 minutes of cardio 3x a week and 30 minutes of weight lifting 2x a week. You may start to feel a little more energy and a greater desire for sexual intimacy.
Do not over exercise. While exercise can help increase energy and testosterone and help increase sexual desire, too much exercise can cause a hyper-sympathetic response and increase fatigue. From personal experience I can attest that in college when I was training as an elite triathlete for 20-25 hours a week I was too fatigued to even think about having sex. Over training can result in sending your body into a sympathetic nervous state, aka the ‘fight or flight’ response. The nervous system responsible for ‘resting and digesting’ or ‘feed and breed’ is the parasympathetic nervous system. Our bowel, bladder, and sexual function is much more optimal when we are in our parasympathetic response. The best way and the easiest way to channel our parasympathetic nervous system is to deep breathe or practice meditation.
Meditation. Meditation is the best and easiest way to channel our parasympathetic nervous system which will help our body physiologically prepare for sexual intercourse. Meditation will also help us with mindfulness and prescence. When women are aroused, our body goes into a sexual physiological response. Our vaginal vault increases, we self lubricate, and our muscles relax. If our minds are occupied with unrelated thoughts, our body will exit the physiological sexual response, thus making sex really uncomfortable and not so fun. Meditation will help you be more present and mindful so your body will function optimally and you’ll have a much more vagical time.
Stress Management. Try your best to figure out what your stressors are and how you can manage them. Stress will increase that sympathetic response which may decrease the desire to have sexual intercourse. Meditation, exercise, bubble baths, journling, nature walks, cooking, etc can all help with stress reduction. Also there is no shame in seeking psychological counseling! I see a therapist every week and it’s one of my favorite hours of the entire week. Figure out what works best for you and make it happen. Your mental health is absolutely the most important.
Eating aphrodisiacs. There isn’t much research with this, but some studies have found that foods such as: strawberries, dark chocolate, red wine, oysters, honey, vanilla, asparagus, figs, basil, and avocado can increase sexual desire.
Masturbate - or solo sexy time as I like to call it. This can help you discover yourself and what you like. I promise you that your partner will enjoy sex more if you are having a good time. Once you figure out what you truly like, sex will be really, really fun and you’ll crave it a little more often.
Partner communication. Communication is so important. Talk to your partner about what you like, and what you don’t like. Leave the ego at the door, and embrace love, comfortability, vulnerability, honesty, and compassion in the bedroom. Are there relational issues that may be causing a lack of desire? We can often feel like any sort of touch from our partner feels demanding or like they are expecting sex. Try leaving sex on the back burner for sometime and practice engaging in non-demanding, non-sexual touch and affection. Couples therapy can be really helpful in acknowledging the patterns and difficulties that may be causing strain in the relationship. This is really common and not something to feel ashamed about!
Self compassion, self affirmations, self care, and self love. I didn’t trulyyyy feel unconditionally comfortable or sexy in my own skin until I started to practice radical self compassion and self love. This means that I embrace my beautiful body even on the days I have terrible hair, haven’t shaved in weeks, and am feeling as bloated as a balloon. This is unconditional self love. If we can channel self love and self compassion, we will realize how beautiful and desirable we truly are. Once you realize you are gorgeously sexy and magical no matter what, you’ll recognize your worthiness. Once you recognize your worthiness, you will recognize how desirable you are. Once you recognize your desirability, you will see the sexy goddess that you are and your sexual universe will change for the better.
If you are at a loss and feel helpless, make an appt with me for Somatic Sex Coaching!
I hope you soon start to live in your power, magic, and worthiness. I hope you soon start to see the sexy goddess that you truly are.
Xx Dr. Laura
